I want my husband back :o(

Brian is really having a hard time right now. He has absolutely no energy and his swallowing has been very difficult. He doesn't smile much and he doesn't talk much. Even though he is done with the treatments, of course you just don't snap your fingers and everything gets back to normal. I really miss my husband. I know he'll get there some day, but it's so hard to see him like this.

I have been really glad to get back into the swing of things doing yard work for spring and running errands and trying to get things situated with Tyler's graduation just around the corner. But everything is not normal for him. I was so busy getting back into the swing of things I have forgotten that he still needs attention. Not that I was ignoring him, but I was there for him for 7 weeks every single minute of the day, and now that reality is upon me, and now I have other things that need my attention (including my children that have been ignored for 7 weeks). I thought being home would be easier, but actually it is more difficult. I am pulled in so many directions now I can't see straight.

I know that he doesn't want me to go back to work on Monday, and I really would love to stay home and take care of him, but I need to get back because this is a really busy time of year for me, and of course you know the bills don't go away just because you are off work!!

We'll get through it, but nobody said I had to enjoy it! I'm not complaining, really! I am really glad to be away from that hospital . . . . okay I may be complaining just a little - sorry about that!

WE DID IT!!

I can't believe it, WE ARE DONE!! We finally made it through this horrible nightmare! It is all behind us now! I am happy beyond words. We are home and back where we belong!

I cannot even begin to thank everyone for all of their support for our family through all this. We are truly blessed beyond words. The cards, the emails, the blog messages, the phone calls, the food, the prayers, the hugs . . . I could go on forever and ever. THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU to everyone.

I will keep you posted on Brian's progress, maybe not quite as much as I have, but I will keep you posted on how he is feeling. We go back to the doctor the end of May.

ONE MORE DAY!!

Here we are, the last night or as Riley used to call it, "one more sleep" until we are home for good!! I can't believe it is finally here. We should be on the road tomorrow hopefully by 4:00.

I think it finally hit Brian today that he's made it through all of this. He was talking to the personnel department at Perrigo, put the phone down and burst into tears. I kept asking him what was wrong and he finally said . . . . It's done, I'm finally done. Wow, he's right. We made it through the rough times and it can only get better from here.

Can't wait to wake up tomorrow, I've never been so happy about going home.

Two more days!!

Today was pretty uneventful. Brian had a pretty good day. He is extremely fatigued but that is of course to be expected at this point in the game. We celebrated 19 years of wedded bliss today at the hospital (exciting stuff), but are just happy that we are together. Cancer kinda does that to you, you're just happy to be together.

Brian had his last chemo today, and has one more day left for hydration which will be Wednesday. We already have 3 doctors appointments scheduled for May and June, and we will be back and forth alot in the next 5 years, but at least we will be able to come home every night.

Two more radiations and we're outa there!!

Happy Easter!!

Hope everyone is having a great Easter!! At least the sun is shining a little bit and it's fairly warm out!

I got up this morning and Madie and I went to church and then came home to get ready to go to Brian's folks today. Brian is not feeling well at all today and has been very quiet. We did go over to his parents but didn't stay very long. We came home and he went right to bed. His neck is raw and looks like it's killing him even though he hasn't complained much about it. I'm sure he's getting sick of me asking him if he's okay, but I just don't know what to do for him. I wish I could take all his pain away from him and I would do it in an instant if I could. Just want my husband back, that's all.

We will be heading back to Ann Arbor tonight for the last time. Three days, that's all . . . . three days . . . .

3 more days!

Brian woke up this morning and felt pretty good. We went up to Menards today and bought some crab grass preventer. He came back home and walked the yard to apply it and it about did him in. Of course Tyler and I both offered to do it for him, but he said he felt fine. I should have insisted on doing it for him, because it knocked him for a loop. That has been the toughest thing for him because he has never been one to sit and do nothing. He slept for quite a while, then woke up and vomited. Not the best day for him, but he's trying. It was nice to have the sun out today - I just wish that darn wind would go away!!

My kids have been so great through all this. I know that it hasn't been easy at all for them, but they have kept plugging away. We raised them up right!! Riley just started drivers training last week, and is in collage, Tyler registered for his classes at KVCC and Jessica is getting ready for the trip of a lifetime to England. Life goes on!

Looking forward to having Wednesday get here!

Better day today

Brian had a better day today, but looks really pale for some reason. He's very tired, but his nausea was better today. He's been complaining that he's cold.

It's good to be home, but for some reason I'm just exhausted today. I think everything is catching up with me. I'm hoping that now that we will be back home in 3 days and I have to go back to work in a week that I don't crash. It's back to reality again. I'm not sure what that really is, but I'm sure I will find out very soon. This all still feels like it's all a dream and I'm hoping that I'll wake up . Ok, I know that won't happen, but it was worth a shot.

I wish that the worry would go away, that's the toughest part of this. We will now have to wait for 3 whole months to see if all this has been worth it. I pray that it has been. I don't know what I'd do if we heard that the cancer is still there. God I hope we don't hear that. I am not prepared for that. My head tells me that I refuse to think otherwise, but my heart says, what if? It's really a scary thing. All we can do now is wait . . . .

Rough Day Today

For some reason Brian had a rough day today. He vomited several times and seems to be queasy for some reason. Hopefully it's just a little hiccup and he will be fine again tomorrow. He ran out of one of his medications and we didn't get it filled until today so we are hoping that is why.

We are going to take a bunch of stuff home tomorrow. Wow, can't believe how much stuff we have accumulated over 7 weeks!!

Can't believe we only have 4 days left!!

One More Week!

One more week to go, that's all! I can't believe it! We're almost there! I know that Brian has a tough road ahead of him still, but to be able to be home to recover, that just sounds incredibly good to us right now!!

It wouldn't be right for me not to tell everyone that for the first time in my daughter's life, I had to not see her on her birthday. It makes me sad, but I know that Jess understands, so HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MY FIRST BORN JESSICA - THE BIG 29~~ LOVE YOU BUNCHES!

Brian has his nausea under control, his pain is under control, and is finally feeling better, and now the raw skin appears!! We of course expected this, but it just seems like he just got everything else under control and . . . . BAM! He was at the doctor yesterday, and he woke up this morning and both sides of his neck are peeling and looking like they are going to open up with sores. He saw the doctor again today to get some medicine for his neck, so hopefully that will keep the sores under control. But it's okay, we can get through this!! It doesn't hurt him yet, and of course hopefully the pain patch will take care of it. He can always put two patches on if the raw sores get too painful, so he will be okay.

Winding down to the end reminds me of how many wonderful people Brian and I have in our lives. We will never be able to thank everyone adequately enough. We will always remember the kindness that was shown to our family. We are truly blessed beyond measure.

With all that said, we found out last night that one of Brian's friends called and his dad has been diagnosed with Stage 4 cancer which is in his kidneys and spine. Brian and I both know the road ahead for them will be tough, but know that WITH GOD, ALL THINGS ARE POSSIBLE. I pray that Scott and his family know that prayers work and miracles happen every day and we will be praying for his complete recovery. I have a plaque hanging in my living room that says . . . . Miracles happen to those who believe.

Great Day Today!!

Got great news from the doctor today! First of all, Brian gained 4 pounds, which is huge, and the doctor said that compared to other people that are in this stage of their treatment he looks really good. Really? I thought he looked like crap, but apparently not. He is anemic, which is totally normal, and he is starting to develop a sore on the outside of his neck, which the doctor will be watching. But overall, considering this is the last full week of treatment, he is doing very well. So happy to hear that!! Brian was tickled too. I could tell in his face that he was happy.

I can't believe that our journey is almost over with. It's been a long haul, but I can see the light at the end of the tunnel, and it feels great! It's hard to believe that I will be going back to work in two weeks, IF Brian is feeling okay, which I am anticipating that he will. I've really missed my co-workers. They have always been such a tremendous support for me.

Better Day Today!!

Brian got up this morning feeling like a new person!! I think getting food into his stomach has made all the difference in the world. He is smil ing again and actually carrying on a conversation with me!! I am so relieved. I really starting to worry that he wasn't going to make it through this stuff very easily, but I'm thinking that having this feeding tube put in was a very wise move.

Now I can try and relax and enjoy the weekend!

TGIF

We made it home about 2:00 p.m. today. Brian had a rough morning. We had to be at the hospital at 8:00, so I pushed a half can of food through his new feeding tube and he was back in the bathroom vomiting within minutes. We tried again while we were at the hospital and were successful. He also had a full can when we got home, so that's the most he has eaten since Monday. He has dropped a total of 20 pounds, so he really can't afford to lose any more weight.

He seems to be feeling a little better tonight. We will be adding more and more food as the day and weekend goes on, and hopefully by Monday he will have his full 7 cans pushed into his stomach and he will keep them all down.

It seems really good to be home this weekend!!

Things went well today for Brian. He was able to have his feeding tube inserted without any complications. It only took about 10 minutes for the actual procedure and of course we waited over an hour just to get into the surgery room, but it's done!! He had radiation after that and now we are back at the hotel and he is resting. He will be able to start using the feeding tube tomorrow. We have to start slow and add a little at a time. I will now have to carry a bag around with all of his supplies, so it will be just like having a diaper bag to carry again :o)

This whole thing is just really emotionally draining. I know that there are so many people that are worse off than Brian, but it's really hard to go through this . . . . I wouldn't recommend it to anyone.

I'll be glad to be heading home again tomorrow. After tomorrow, only 8 more days!

Wicked Wednesday

Brian has not had a very good day at all today. He woke up feeling a little queasy. I made him a shake and he took 3 spoonfuls and vomited. It's not the nausea that is getting him, it's the lack of secretions in his mouth. The radiation has totally messed up his salvary glands and he really struggles with that every day. He is constantly spitting trying to get the "gook" out of his mouth. He describes it as feeling like he has elmers glue in his mouth.

We went and saw the surgeon today. Brian will be getting a g-tube put in tomorrow. He is losing too much weight (15 pounds already) and has consistently been losing every week. It is a constant battle for him to try and eat every day. This will take the worry away and he can still take fluids by mouth, but he won't have to force himself to consume calories any more. He doesn't have any problems getting pop or water or any liquids down, it's just the nutritional supplements that bother him. I am really glad he is doing it, I will be able to get enough nutrition in him every day without any problems this way.

Even though we are at the tail end of his treatment, this will be the toughest time for him. I can see that it is wearing on him heavily.

Better Day

Brian had a much better day today. His nausea is gone and he isn't quite as fatigued as he was. We discovered that he likes the new shakes that are 1,000 calories each so that was quite a breakthrough!! I'm sure that he will get sick of them soon, but until then . . . .

Hoping this week will go by fast!

Only 12 more days to go!!

Brian had a tough night last night and a tough day today. He was queasy again and very fatigued. He slept through 99% of his treatment today. We went to our usual spot, Old Country Buffet for dinner, but he hardly touched a thing. He came back to the hotel and went right to sleep. I am going to try and wake him up in a little bit and see if I can get him to eat some more. I got a new recipe for a malted that has 1,000 calories, so that ought to beef him up a little! He only lost 1 pound over the week, which is quite good for his track record.

I had the pleasure of talking to a lady today who has terminal cancer. It's funny, just when you think you have it so bad, someone always has it worse. She has a rare form of stomach cancer, and the doctor told her 11 months ago that she had only 6 months to live. She has a great attitude despite her situation. She was able to see her daughter get married, and now she is expecting her first grandchild in October. Lord willing she will make it to see that baby born. She met with the doctor today and they are ready to call hospice in, so things aren't sounding good for her at all, but she was smiling and happy. Makes me count my blessings.

Only 2 more chemo treatments and 12 more radiation treatments. I will be soooo glad when this is over!

Sunny Saturday

We had a great visit today from our good friends Ken and Cindy. They came all the way from Ionia to visit with us. It was great seeing them again, it had been too long! Brian held up really well!! He still is doing quite well. His stamina isn't there, he gets tired pretty quickly, but he still has not experienced any more nausea! That has made all the difference in the world!

We are counting the days until Brian is finished, and if you really want to know, he has 13 more treatment days to be exact!! We are over the hump now!

Thanks to everyone for the continued support, phone calls, cards, food, etc. It really means a lot!

Its a good day!!

Brian woke up this morning AGAIN with no nausea! He didn't sleep well last night but not because he didn't feel good, but just because he didn't feel tired! What a change! I think it is probably the steroids. I'd rather have him not tired then extremely fatigued. I cannot tell you how relieved I am that he is feeling better. It is soooo hard to see someone you love in pain!

Tomorrow is Friday, and we only have 3 more weeks to go! I will be so glad to have a normal life back again.

The kids are still here, they will probably be leaving in a couple of hours. I guess Brian picked a good week to start feeling better!

Wonderful Wednesday

Here it is Wednesday and NO NAUSEA!! I think we have finally gotten over the hump. Brian actually ate dinner at Old Country Buffet tonight!! He didn't eat a whole lot, but it was something.

The kids came up for dinner tonight and are spending the night. Its nice not to be here by ourselves. Brian actually didn't even take a nap today, which is highly unusual. They started giving him a new nausea med and upped another one, and also added a steroid to Wednesday and Friday when he gets his IV fluids. Tomorrow will be the real test. The last three Thursdays he has been down in bed all day.

Thanks to everyone for your continued support. It means alot to all of us!!

Hooray for Tuesday

Brian had an awesome day yesterday, well for most of the afternoon anyway. He had another rough weekend with nausea and vomiting, and has dropped close to 10 pounds. He cannot seem to shake the nausea thing, but on Mondays after chemo and iv fluids he feels much better and actually eats food, so we have determined that we think it's the steroid that they give him on Mondays that is helping. The doctor put him on a patch for his nausea and upped one of his other medications. If his nausea returns we will have to get ahold of the doctor right away.

I had an awesome day yesterday. My friends Lynea and Jan came to visit and Sue stayed with me over night. It was so nice to talk to someone and laugh and feel fairly normal again. The kids are coming over tomorrow so I will have more company.

Gloomy Saturday

Brian woke up this morning with terrible heartburn. He took his meds and a few minutes later he vomited. His hair is coming out in the back. He has a small patch gone on the left side at the bottom. It's really weird because there is a guy that is getting chemo and radiation with Brian and his hair is falling out in the same place.

This continues to be a struggle for him. I know he'll get through it, but in the thick of it it's not fun.

Hoping tomorrow will be a little better.